I am a grandma!

 zi have just realized how much my childhood has affected me. For years, my so called "mother" would have me wake her up. Then she would say "just a few more minutes." Now I am obsessed with keeping time. I arrive early for appointments. So many things I didn't realize were affected by my early years.

 Not sure what my life means. Didn't ask to be born. Didn't ask to be given away. Didn't ask to be in a violent family. When I think back, when I started to fight back, that is when they asked me to leave. No wonder I have preferred to be alone all these years.

 When I was 2, my mother gave me away. She then went on to have 3 more kids that she kept. The people she gave me to were abusive. They split when I was 8. Life went on. When I was 15 I was thrown out because the "boyfriend" didn't like me. From then on, I had one failed relationship after another. My last one wanted me to choose him over my son. Not going to happen. So no, nobody has ever truly loved me. Sad.

It's sad, but I realized tonight that no one has ever truly loved me. That sounds pathetic, I know, but it is true. I have been used, abused and ignored. But never loved. I accept that now. Wow, it took me 69 years to realize this. 

I am becoming a bit of a hermit. Most friends I had have either passed away or moved away. I don't make friends easily, I am an introvert. I am tired of people putting me down and making fun of me. I expressed my thoughts on something and was made to feel stupid. I recently thought about buying a new car, then thought it might be too large for me. I was made fun of by my own son. I think my granddaughter thinks less of me because of where I live (all her other relatives live in houses while I live in an apartment). It feels like she is ashamed of me. I have lived here for almost 47 years. I like my apartment. It is less expensive then many places around town, lets me have my dogs, I have a park across the street from me as well as a pool and tennis courts. It is not the poshest, but I am used to it. I have never wanted a house and all the responsibilities that come with it. As a single parent, I would not have been able to afford it.  I have a 25 year old Toyota Corolla. I was inte...

 I am so conflicted right now. Maybe it is empty nest syndrome, I don't know.  This Christmas, I spent a couple of hours with the family, had breakfast, opened presents. It was nice. But I didn't even decorate, no tree, nothing. Nobody was coming over, so why bother. My friends have died or moved away. FB is crappy, nobody is posting much anymore. The friends I still have are dealing with their own issues. So I, of course, am alone again. Seems like I have always been.  I know my son has his own life now, that's as it should be. However they spend more time with her family than with me. He has always wanted a big family, now he has one. But it seems I am not part of it. They did include me for a while, which was nice and appreciated, and I understand they are not under any obligation to include me. So they haven't for the past few years. So I spend most of Christmas, and will spend New Year, on my own. I was hoping I could be friends with the in-laws, but doesn't se...